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The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy
Arthur singing the praises of the local council planning department.
"`...You hadn't exactly gone out of your way to call attention to
them had you? I mean like actually telling anyone or anything.'
`But the plans were on display...'
`On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar to find
them.'
`That's the display department.'
`With a torch.'
`Ah, well the lights had probably gone.'
`So had the stairs.'
`But look you found the notice didn't you?'
`Yes,' said Arthur, `yes I did. It was on display in the bottom of
a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on
the door saying "Beware of The Leopard".'"
Ford convincing Arthur to drink three pints in ten minutes at lunchtime.
"`Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.'
"Reader's Digest". They've got a page for people like you.'"
Arthur, on what was to be his last Thursday on Earth
"`This must be Thursday,' said Arthur to himself, sinking low over
his beer, `I never could get the hang of Thursdays.'"
An example of Damogran wildlife.
"Pages one and two [of Zaphod's presidential speech] had been
salvaged by a Damogran Frond Crested Eagle and had already become
incorporated into an extraordinary new form of nest which the
eagle had invented. It was constructed largely of papier mache and
it was virtually impossible for a newly hatched baby eagle to
break out of it. The Damogran Frond Crested Eagle had heard of the
notion of survival of the species but wanted no truck with it."
Arthur after his first ever teleport ride.
"`How do you feel?' he asked him.
`Like a military academy,' said Arthur, `bits of me keep passing
out.'" ....
`We're safe,' he said.
`Oh good,' said Arthur.
`We're in a small galley cabin,' said Ford, `in one of the
spaceships of the Vogon Constructor Fleet.'
`Ah,' said Arthur, `this is obviously some strange usage of the
word "safe" that I wasn't previously aware of.'
The Book, on one of the Vogon's social inadequacies.
"`The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick your
finger down his throat...'"
Arthur getting ready for his first jump into hyperspace.
"`You'd better be prepared for the jump into hyperspace. It's
unpleasently like being drunk.'
`What's so unpleasent about being drunk?'
`You ask a glass of water.'"
Arthur coping with certain death as best as he could.
"`You know,' said Arthur, `it's at times like this, when I'm
trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about
to die from asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd
listened to what my mother told me when I was young.'
`Why, what did she tell you?'
`I don't know, I didn't listen.'"
Arthur experiences the improbability drive at work.
"`Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it.'"
Guess who.
"`I think you ought to know that I'm feeling very depressed.'"
"`Life, don't talk to me about life.'"
"`Here I am, brain the size of a planet and they ask me to take
you down to the bridge. Call that "job satisfaction"? 'Cos I
don't.'"
"`I've got this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left
side.'"
Zaphod.
"`If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it
caught and shot now.'"
The Book getting all nostalgic.
"`In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were
REAL men, women were REAL women, and small furry creatures from
Alpha Centauri were REAL small furry creatures from Aplha
Centauri.'"
Zaphod and Arthur in a certain death situation over Magrathea.
"`Hey this is terrific!' Zaphod said. `Someone down there is
trying to kill us!'
`Terrific,' said Arthur.
`But don't you see what this means?'
`Yes. We are going to die.'
`Yes, but apart from that.'
`APART from that?'
`It means we must be on to something!'
`How soon can we get off it?'"
For the sperm whale, it wasn't.
"And wow! Hey! What's this thing coming towards me very fast? Very
very fast. So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding
word like... ow... ound... round... ground! That's it! That's a
good name - ground!
I wonder if it will be friends with me?"
A bowl of petunias on it's way to certain death.
"Oh no, not again."
Arthur drawing the short straw on Magrathea.
"`Er, hey Earthman...'
`Arthur,' said Arthur.
`Yeah, could you just sort of keep this robot with you and guard
this end of the passageway. OK?'
`Guard?' said Arthur. `What from? You just said there's no one
here.'
`Yeah, well, just for safety, OK?' said Zaphod.
`Whose? Yours or mine?'"
The Book.
"There are of course many problems connected with life, of which
some of the most popular are `Why are people born?' `Why do they
die?' `Why do they spend so much of the intervening time wearing
digital watches?'"
Ford attempting to be heroic whilst being seiged by Shooty and Bangbang.
"`Right,' said Ford, `I'm going to have a look.'
He glanced round at the others.
`Is no one going to say, "No you can't possibly, let me go
instead"?'
They all shook their heads.
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
The Book just racapping what happened in the last book.
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of
people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
Zaphod being cool.
"`I am so amazingly cool you could keep a side of meat in me for a
month. I am so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis.'"
Zaphod and the Guide's receptionist.
"`You ARE Zaphod Beeblebrox?'
`Yeah,' said Zaphod, `but don't shout it out or they'll all want
one.'
`THE Zaphod Beeblebrox?'
`No, just A Zaphod Bebblebrox, didn't you hear I come in six
packs?'
`But sir,' it squealed, `I just heard on the sub-ether radio
report. It said you were dead...'
`Yeah, that's right, I just haven't stopped moving yet.'"
The Book decribing Milliways' politically incorrect decor.
"The fronting for the eighty-yard long marble-topped bar had been
made by stitching together nearly twenty thousand Antarean Mosaic
Lizard skins, despite the fact that the twenty thousand lizards
concerned had needed them to keep their insides in."
Ford in paradise.
"`...and the Universe,' continued the waiter, determined not to be
deflected on his home stretch, `will explode later for your
pleasure.'
Ford's head swivelled slowly towards him. He spoke with feeling.
`Wow,' he said, `What sort of drinks do you serve in this place?'
The waiter laughed a polite little waiter's laugh.
`Ah,' he said, `I think sir has perhaps misunderstood me.'
`Oh, I hope not,' breathed Ford."
Zaphod in paradise.
"Zaphod grinned two manic grins, sauntered over to the bar and
bought most of it."
Zaphod getting paranoid over a phone call.
"`Maybe somebody here tipped off the Galactic Police,' said
Trillian. `Everybody saw you come in.'
`You mean they want to arrest me over the phone?' said Zaphod,
`Could be. I'm a pretty dangerous dude when I'm cornered.'
`Yeah,' said a voice from under the table [Ford's now completely
rat- arsed at this point], `you go to pieces so fast people get
hit by the shrapnel.'"
Zaphod discovers that waiters are the least hip people in the Universe.
"`Hand me the rap-rod, Plate Captain.
The little waiter's eyebrows wandered about his forehead in
confusion.
`I beg your pardon, sir?' he said.
`The phone, waiter,' said Zaphod, grabbing it off him. `Shee, you
guys are so unhip it's a wonder your bums don't fall off.'"
Ford making his way out of Milliways whilst under the influence of enough
alchol to make a rhino sing.
"The main reception foyer was almost empty but Ford nevertheless
weaved his way through it."
Marvin reflecting back on his 576,000,003,579 year career as Milliways'
car park attendent.
"`The first ten million years were the worst,' said Marvin, `and
the second ten million, they were the worst too. The third ten
million I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a
decline.'"
Arthur finding an escape route from a certain death situation.
"`Incidentally,' he said, `what does teleport mean?'
Another moment passed.
Slowly, the others turned to face him.
`Probably the wrong moment to ask,' said Arthur, `It's just I
remember you use the word a short while ago and I only bring it up
because...'
`Where,' said Ford quietly, `does it say teleport?'
`Well, just over here in fact,' said Arthur, pointing at a dark
control box in the rear of the cabin, `Just under the word
"emergency", above the word "system" and beside the sign saying
"out of order".'"
A poem about matter transference beams.
"I teleported home one night
With Ron and Sid and Meg.
Ron stole Meggie's heart away
And I got Sidney's leg."
Some wisdom from The Book.
"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should
on no account be allowed to do the job."
Ford "debating" what to do with fire with a marketing girl.
"`We've got to find out what people want from fire, how they
relate to it, what sort of image it has for them.'
The crowd were tense. They were expecting something wonderful from
Ford.
`Stick it up your nose,' he said.
`Which is precisely the sort of thing we need to know,' insisted
the girl, `Do people want fire that can be fitted nasally?'"
Life, the Universe and Everything
Arthur discovering a way of coping with life on Prehistoric Earth.
"He stood up straight and looked the world squarely in the fields
and hills. To add weight to his words he stuck the rabbit bone in
his hair. He spread his arms out wide. `I will go mad!' he
announced."
Ford updating Arthur about what he's been doing for the past four years.
"`... then I decided that I was a lemon for a couple of weeks. I
kept myself amused all that time jumping in and out of a gin and
tonic.'
Arthur cleared his throat, and then did it again.
`Where,' he said, `did you...?'
`Find a gin and tonic?' said Ford brightly. `I found a small lake
that thought it was a gin and tonic, and jumped in and out of
that. At least, I think it thought it was a gin and tonic.'
`I may,' he addded with a grin which would have sent sane men
scampering into the trees, `have been imagining it.'"
Arthur failing in his first lesson of galactic physics in four years.
"`Eddies,' said Ford, `in the space-time continuum.'
`Ah,' nodded Arthur, `is he? Is he?'"
Ford trying to rectify that situation.
"Ford grabbed him by the lapels of his dressing gown and spoke to
him as slowly and distinctly and patiently as if he were somebody
from a telephone company accounts department."
Who says that the character of Arthur isn't autobiographical?
"...[Arthur] leapt to his feet like an author hearing the phone
ring..."
Arthur coping with his return to Earth as best as he could.
"Arthur's consciousness approached his body as from a great
distance, and reluctantly. It had had some bad times in there.
Slowly, nervously, it entered and settled down into its accustomed
position.
Arthur sat up.
`Where am I?' he said.
`Lord's Cricket Ground,' said Ford.
`Fine,' said Arthur, and his consciousness stepped out again for a
quick breather. His body flopped back on the grass."
Ford ensuring everyone knew where his priorities lay.
"`A curse,' said Slartibartfast, `which will engulf the Galaxy in
fire and destruction, and possibly bring the Universe to a
premature doom. I mean it,' he added.
`Sounds like a bad time,' said Ford, `with luck I'll be drunk
enough not to notice.'"
Ford's last ditch attempt to get out of helping Slartibartfast.
"`My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a
natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused
from saving Universes.'"
One of the more preferable pieces of advice contained in the Guide.
"Trillian did a little research in the ship's copy of THHGTTG. It
had some advice to offer on drunkenness.
`Go to it,' it said, `and good luck.'
It was cross-referenced to the entry concerning the size of the
Universe and ways of coping with that."
Arthur trying to see who had diverted him from going to a party.
"His eyes seemed to be popping out of his head. He wasn't certain
if this was because they were trying to see more clearly, or if
they simply wanted to leave at this point."
Arthur discovering who had diverted him from going to a party.
"Arthur yawed wildly as his skin tried to jump one way and his
skeleton the other, whilst his brain tried to work out which of
his ears it most wanted to crawl out of.
`Bet you weren't expecting to see me again,' said the monster,
which Arthur couldn't help thinking was a strange remark for it to
make, seeing as he had never met the creature before. He could
tell that he hadn't met the creature before from the simple fact
that he was able to sleep at nights."
Marvin's first ever compliment about anybody.
"`That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent
organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to
be able to avoid meeting.'"
Arthur realising that he's in a certain death situation with a supernova bomb that is shaped like a cricket ball.
"Arthur hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he
realised there was a contradiction there and merely hoped that
there wasn't an afterlife."
So Long, and Thanks for all the Fish
Ford in a spot of bother.
"`Credit?' he said. `Aaaargggh...'
These two words are usually coupled together in the Old Pink Dog
Bar."
Arthur trying to discover which part of Fenchurch is wrong.
"`...we might as well start with where your hand is now.'
Arthur said, `So which way do I go?'
`Down,' said Fenchurch, `on this occaision.'
He moved his hand.
`Down,' she said, `is in fact the other way.'
`Oh yes.'"
This line perhaps best sums up the whole book.
"There was a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped
the chronicler's mind."
Mostly Harmless
Nuff said??
"The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred character
attributes of New Yorkers, common sense snuck in at number 79.
....
When it's fall in New York, the air smells as if someone's been
frying goats in it, and if you are keen to breathe the best plan
is to open a window and stick your head in a building."
Ford and Colin the robot.
"`What's been happening here?' he demanded.
`Oh just the nicest things, sir, just the nicest things. can I sit
on your lap please?'"
"`Colin, I am going to abandon you to your fate.'
`I'm so happy.'"
"`It will be very, very nasty for you, and that's just too bad.
Got it?'
`I gurgle with pleasure.'"
Ford outwitting a Vogon with a rocket launcher by going into another certain death situation.
"What the hell, he thought, you're only young once, and threw
himself out of the window. That would at least keep the element of
surprise on his side."
One of the laws of computers and programming revealed.
"The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a
thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that
cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be
impossible to get at or repair."
Evidence that there will be some justice in the Universe eventually.
"`You know they've reintroduced the death penalty for insurance
company directors?'
`Really?' said Arthur. `No I didn't. For what offence?'
Trillian frowned.
`What do you mean, offence?'
`I see.'"
Ford and Arthur on Random.
"`She hit me on the head with the rock again.'
`I think I can confirm that that was my daughter.'
`Sweet kid.'
`You have to get to know her,' said Arthur.
`She eases up does she?'
`No,' said Arthur, `but you get a better sense of when to duck.'"
`Oh well.'"
Take me back to the top of the page.
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